If you ask me about things that I did 4- 5 months ago, I have discovered that I may or may not recall them.
I don’t recall being absent nor tuning off from the day’s activities. In fact, I remember thinking that I needed to be present; to be in the moment … doing what I needed to do, to enable my progress one step at a time.
Why do I bring it up? Because earlier on in the year, I went through a traumatic separation from my significant other. I knew that our relationship was not working out and that after more than 15 years of being married to him I ought to rethink my life. But I did not expect nor could I have foreseen the ending. There was no waving of a red flag, nor the sound of a horn to let me know that shit was about to hit the fan.
In any case, it ended and I don’t care to elaborate how it did. I thank you dear reader for sparing me the agony of having to re-live the break-up.
What I must admit, is that in that moment I felt like Humpty Dumpty. There I was, sitting on a wall seeing myself plummeting downwards in slow motion. Being unable to stop toppling over, feeling the momentum of the fall and bracing for the worst – thinking that I deserved better that what was coming to me.
I remember looking at him, thinking that after so many years… I didn’t know this person. I had thought that I knew him, or that I should at the very least have been able to predict his behavior. But I didn’t. His actions made me wonder if I have even truly known him or if he had worn a mask for a duration or for the entire time we were married.
Perhaps it didn’t matter – the ending of this marriage – it was bound to happen if he had been wearing a mask that I couldn’t have foreseen nor been able to peel away to reveal his true self.
I am writing about this now, because I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that there are things that I blocked from my memory. As an example, we visited a friend with my kids during that critical time – a visit I did not recall we had done until they reminded me the other day.
So where was my mind? I know I was present, but how could I forget activities that I consciously took part in and in which I was fully awake for? Can the shattering of one’s heart cause a lapse in my memory? Did the mind block off any extra processing capacity other than the absolute necessary?
I know for a fact that I lived moment to moment. That I put issues in boxes and filed them away in my brain, until it was absolutely necessary to refer to them. What I did not expect was to have a total lapse in memory. I did actually take a couple of days away off from work, but for the entire period, I thought I was ok and congratulated myself for not falling apart. I patted myself on the shoulder for shaking off that dust and being willing to embrace the new – the unabashed changes in my life.
Now it seems… I may not have been as together as I thought. I am thinking that I ought to have given this life changing event the respect it deserved and to take my time in processing it. So I am exhaling and learning to process better and this writing is my own little way of engaging in #self-care.
And I am also accepting that it is what it is – and perhaps, it was never meant to last. And I am chanting the “Serenity Prayer” every step of the way.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.