With friends like this… Who needs enemies? 

Am struggling. 

Struggling with some of my friendships. Questioning why I let them in… Why I open the doors for them to harbour their negativity… in my space.  

Wondering why I let them walk all over me.  Make me feel like I am less than… Not good enough. Making me feel like my opinions are substandard – not worth mulling over. 

They are reminding me that we’ve been here before.  Travelled this path.. This one that reeked of loneliness, permeating every inch of my being -lonely,  alone, misunderstood.  

Yet…I am brilliant and beautiful. And worthy. I am a gem to those that see my true colours.  I know their weaknesses and have fought their demon before.  

So… Who is the problem?  Me or them? 

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I heard Him speak

At the beginning of this year, as many people want to do, I was tempted to make and write down my New Year resolutions.

Both my heart and mind resisted the urge. I did not want to simply go through the process as a matter of routine. I wanted it to have meaning – achievable and real. And so I held off as long as I could.

As time went on… I felt a bit lost. I am one of those people who thrives on having clear goals to guide me, so this was unfamiliar territory. It felt irresponsible… like a driver without a clear destination – just wandering about, heading nowhere in particular. After what felt like an eternity (January 14th), I finally succumbed to the desire to make a plan; to have a plan.

I must point out that part of the resistance came from the fact that I was feeling so impact less. Apart from those things that I can personally control e.g. how I spend my finances, everything else seemed to be on a departing train – farther and farther away by the day. I assessed and reassessed my goals in 2014, got frustrated by the inertia, cried out to God and finally told my mind that I needed to accept the reality. I needed a proper paradigm shift to regain hope that all was going to be ok and to not lose my faith.

By the end of the year, I can say that I was in a good place mentally because I had learned to gain contentment in the everyday happenings. I re-oriented my mind to still apply myself 100%, and yet focus on what was working positively. Specifically in the area of career advancement, I decided to shelve those goals and revisit them after a year.

So here comes 2015 and am thinking, “Do I really wanna do this again?” Do I want to go through the frustration once more? Do I want to cry out to God and feel like He doesn’t hear me? Do I want to experience a crisis of faith? I know that there are people with bigger needs and greater challenges…. But if we are to accept that we are like children to the Almighty, then as a good father I should trust that I matter to Him personally.

So my resolutions for 2015 were going to be very simple and broad:

1. To allow my heart to be content
2. To make more time to experience God and to never doubt that He is in control
3. To get fitter – to consume in moderation and exercise at least twice a week
4. To pay off a short term loan and build up my emergency fund
5. In the career goal, I prayed for clarity and direction about whether to change or stay put

Mainly, I wanted to remember to live in order to feel alive. I also want the relationships in my life to fit well – not to force something to fit when it clearly doesn’t (i.e. let go if I need to).

We are now almost at the end of February.

I heard Him Speak.

I heard Him speak last week.
As clear as blue skies on a sunny day,
I knew it was the Almighty.

He spoke not in plumes of smoke or pillars of fire,
But in the voice of a woman with whom I engaged.

I felt my curiosity awakened;
My hope reignited;
My spirit renewed.

Suddenly the answer was clear
Right there in front of my eyes.
Stay the course; don’t be discouraged
I have a plan for you.

I heard Him speak….. yeeeh.

And so I write

Sanity
Love
Acceptance

They reside in my words
My written words

I should say in my God
But I find that
No matter how hard I try
He doesn’t always calm the raging thoughts

I know the truth
I’ve heard the truth

Sometimes
The synapses, they fail
There is no connection
Between my thoughts and that truth

So I write
I must write
I must reclaim my sanity
I must find love and acceptance

Here in my written words

Say Something

What I really meant to say

In the words of that Crossfade song, cold… this is what I really meant to say.

I am sorry that you can’t reach me. That after all these years of being so cold, I have retreated into my space – away from your shadow and into the warmth of a different light. I wish you would read this and know how far away I feel from you, but I know that is like asking for the impossible.

So let us continue on this path.

I wish I could be more for you, but somehow I feel so inadequate. Like we’re a mismatched pair of shoes and no matter how much I try to make us shine, the efforts seem to yield naught.  I am tempted to remove these boots, pick a different set of shoes and see if they will feel lighter. I am tempted to walk barefoot – see if I shall find this old soul. I am tempted to call it a day.

Do you see it? Do you see my anguish and my indecision? Do you see how lost I feel? Do you feel my distance I wonder?

Say something – am giving up on you.

 

I don’t need a reason to be me

Thoughts Become Things II

Thoughts Become Things II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As i sit down to pen my thoughts, i remember why i needed this forum to begin with.  I recall how lonesome i was and how truly alone i felt. I am grateful that i had this outlet to pour out whatever i was going through at the time.

Every so often, i get back there although i don’t need an outlet as much.  I have learned that, just like eating, i need to nourish my mind. I do much more inspirational and motivational reading.  It has proven to be the picker upper that i need; the reaffirmation that i require; and the balance that stills my thoughts.

I am also grateful to be able to write.

Sometimes when i speak, i feel grossly inadequate in my attempt to express myself.  I have just the right word to capture my thoughts, but somehow it escapes me.  This can be quite frustrating.. knowing that you can be eloquent, but failing in the art.

I am also realising that apart from forums such as these, there are not many people that appreciate it when you can say exactly what and how you feel.  Just the other day i was reading about memories and how we need to learn to remember with gratitude and forgiveness.  So I reached out to loved ones to share that message because i thought it was valuable.  These are the people that i share my deepest thoughts with; the ones that i feel i can be vulnerable to.  The end result was not what i expected – I was told that i was being too emotional and was i o.k.?  I didn’t know I needed a reason to be.

So here i am, again in this shell.  I have wanted to belong outside of this sphere, but my recent experience has taught me that the world doesn’t quite get me.  Maybe one day, i will find a kindred spirit.  Someone who feels as deeply about most things and who perhaps is tired of being told they take life too seriously just because they are keen to express themselves.

Until then… here’s to blogging and to loving where am wanted.

My playlist:

My little black dress

We’ve heard it said that every woman needs a little black dress.

It’s the dress that rescues you when you can’t find something to dress your emotions. On those days when you are feeling fat, that little niqqa knows how make you feel all skinny and shit.  On others when you are feeling low, it can be quite a picker upper especially if it has an inbuilt bustier.  And… on those days when you want to exude Va Va voom, there’s no other dress to lean on other than the LBD.

The LBD makes you look good; hides your flaws and brings out the best in any shape or figure.

I hasten to add that the little black dress can take many forms. Sometimes it can appear in the form of a friend; a loved one, an old flame, or even an experience.

Mine… lets just say, it comes in a masculine package.  He is my little black dress.  He is the one guy who no matter how crappy i feel or act, always makes me feel like a pearl – priceless and flawless.  He is a safe place to retreat especially when life isn’t as smooth sailing as I’d expect it.

You may ask, shouldn’t this be the space of Christ?  Of religion, or spirituality?  Perhaps.  Like i said, the LBD can come in many forms.

In this moment in time, mine comes in the form of this kindred spirit.  He is an old flame who might be the ‘LBD’ because his view is clouded by rose-coloured glasses.  Whatever the reason, I am grateful that he is right where he is … coming to my aid whenever i need support and affirmation.

Thank you my friend; you remain forever My LBD.