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I don’t want to offer my heart

My mind

My soul

I don’t want to give it to someone

Someone who shouldn’t have it

Someone who neither has the capacity nor the wherewithal

To love me back the way I deserve to be loved.

No, I don’t want to offer my heart

To you – because you’re married

Nor to you – because you only want a tryst

Nor to you who thinks I should be so

Understanding as you figure out your shit

Neither to you who is comfortable

To be carried along like baggage;

As if I am not already burdened by my own.

No… I’d rather keep my heart

Safe in waiting; hoping; knowing

That It’ll be a while before the one

To whom I can entrust my heart

Comes along.

Where are you my Valentine?

Like Humpty Dumpty, I had a great big fall

If you ask me about things that I did 4- 5 months ago, I have discovered that I may or may not recall them.

I don’t recall being absent nor tuning off from the day’s activities.  In fact, I remember thinking that I needed to be present; to be in the moment … doing what I needed to do, to enable my progress one step at a time.

Why do I bring it up?  Because earlier on in the year, I went through a traumatic separation from my significant other.  I knew that our relationship was not working out and that after more than 15 years of being married to him I ought to rethink my life.  But I did not expect nor could I have foreseen the ending.  There was no waving of a red flag, nor the sound of a horn to let me know that shit was about to hit the fan.

In any case, it ended and I don’t care to elaborate how it did.  I thank you dear reader for sparing me the agony of having to re-live the break-up.

What I must admit, is that in that moment I felt like Humpty Dumpty.  There I was, sitting on a wall seeing myself plummeting downwards in slow motion.  Being unable to stop toppling over, feeling the momentum of the fall and bracing for the worst – thinking that I deserved better that what was coming to me.

I remember looking at him, thinking that after so many years… I didn’t know this person.  I had thought that I knew him, or that I should at the very least have been able to predict his behavior.   But I didn’t.  His actions made me wonder if I have even truly known him or if he had worn a mask for a duration or for the entire time we were married.

Perhaps it didn’t matter – the ending of this marriage – it was bound to happen if he had been wearing a mask that I couldn’t have foreseen nor been able to peel away to reveal his true self.

I am writing about this now, because I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that there are things that I blocked from my memory.  As an example, we visited a friend with my kids during that critical time – a visit I did not recall we had done until they reminded me the other day.

So where was my mind?  I know I was present, but how could I forget activities that I consciously took part in and in which I was fully awake for?   Can the shattering of one’s heart cause a lapse in my memory?  Did the mind block off any extra processing capacity other than the absolute necessary?

I know for a fact that I lived moment to moment.  That I put issues in boxes and filed them away in my brain, until it was absolutely necessary to refer to them.  What I did not expect was to have a total lapse in memory.  I did actually take a couple of days away off from work, but for the entire period, I thought I was ok and congratulated myself for not falling apart.  I patted myself on the shoulder for shaking off that dust and being willing to embrace the new – the unabashed changes in my life.

Now it seems… I may not have been as together as I thought.   I am thinking that I ought to have given this life changing event the respect it deserved and to take my time in processing it.  So I am exhaling and learning to process better and this writing is my own little way of engaging in #self-care.

And I am also accepting that it is what it is – and perhaps, it was never meant to last.  And I am chanting the “Serenity Prayer” every step of the way.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

 

 

The unfinished piece – October 2016

I turned 40

The big four Oooh, aka the fourth floor. Twenty years ago, i thought 40 was ancient.  Ancient like my mother – people who belonged to another generation, before computers and shoes.

Now i sit at my desk…not so much feeling ancient, but feeling like life’s beginning to wind down.  I feel like i have 15-20 good productive years left in me.  There’s a sense of urgency to make sense of things – of my life, and my loves.

…and i feel stuck.

I am stuck – not having made good enough money, or in a career of my choice, or making a change.

I feel stuck in a job that I no longer care.  Not for lack of trying to get another nor for lack of praying.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

I wish I had finished these thoughts… looks like I was onto something good.  Some of it still resonates – I still feel stuck in some areas, and others – not so much.

Xx

Ode to Mr. P – of Two peas in a pod

My heart beats... loud oh so loud
Makes me feel delirious
To hear his laughter
Echoing in the background
In my ears, rumbling past my belly button

My heart skips a beat
This moment - could be a movie;
A song, sang with violins and saxophones
Making our own melody
In the rhythm of our hearts wound together

My heart skips many a beat
I snap awake... open my eyes
Feels like I've been dreaming
Stretched a moment of his laughter
Into something I can't have

I want to tell him... don't.
Don't laugh into my ears - into my heart
Not unless you will allow our hearts
To intertwine
In a moment of unbridled laughter.

©Braintattoo

I first wrote this piece on 19th April 2018. Now I realise that my
feelings were valid and 2 months later, I publish.  It is what it is.

 

With friends like this… Who needs enemies?

Am struggling. 

Struggling with some of my friendships. Questioning why I let them in… Why I open the doors for them to harbour their negativity… in my space.  

Wondering why I let them walk all over me.  Make me feel like I am less than… Not good enough. Making me feel like my opinions are substandard – not worth mulling over. 

They are reminding me that we’ve been here before.  Travelled this path.. This one that reeked of loneliness, permeating every inch of my being -lonely,  alone, misunderstood.  

Yet…I am brilliant and beautiful. And worthy. I am a gem to those that see my true colours.  I know their weaknesses and have fought their demon before.  

So… Who is the problem?  Me or them? 

I seek God

I seek God….

To know Him better

To praise Him more

To love Him deeper

To trust that He is always in control

This is my prayer today; revive me, renew me.

Let me feel you as real as I feel my hormonal changes.

Let me feel my heart expand with the warmth of Your love.

##

I heard Him speak

At the beginning of this year, as many people want to do, I was tempted to make and write down my New Year resolutions.

Both my heart and mind resisted the urge. I did not want to simply go through the process as a matter of routine. I wanted it to have meaning – achievable and real. And so I held off as long as I could.

As time went on… I felt a bit lost. I am one of those people who thrives on having clear goals to guide me, so this was unfamiliar territory. It felt irresponsible… like a driver without a clear destination – just wandering about, heading nowhere in particular. After what felt like an eternity (January 14th), I finally succumbed to the desire to make a plan; to have a plan.

I must point out that part of the resistance came from the fact that I was feeling so impact less. Apart from those things that I can personally control e.g. how I spend my finances, everything else seemed to be on a departing train – farther and farther away by the day. I assessed and reassessed my goals in 2014, got frustrated by the inertia, cried out to God and finally told my mind that I needed to accept the reality. I needed a proper paradigm shift to regain hope that all was going to be ok and to not lose my faith.

By the end of the year, I can say that I was in a good place mentally because I had learned to gain contentment in the everyday happenings. I re-oriented my mind to still apply myself 100%, and yet focus on what was working positively. Specifically in the area of career advancement, I decided to shelve those goals and revisit them after a year.

So here comes 2015 and am thinking, “Do I really wanna do this again?” Do I want to go through the frustration once more? Do I want to cry out to God and feel like He doesn’t hear me? Do I want to experience a crisis of faith? I know that there are people with bigger needs and greater challenges…. But if we are to accept that we are like children to the Almighty, then as a good father I should trust that I matter to Him personally.

So my resolutions for 2015 were going to be very simple and broad:

1. To allow my heart to be content
2. To make more time to experience God and to never doubt that He is in control
3. To get fitter – to consume in moderation and exercise at least twice a week
4. To pay off a short term loan and build up my emergency fund
5. In the career goal, I prayed for clarity and direction about whether to change or stay put

Mainly, I wanted to remember to live in order to feel alive. I also want the relationships in my life to fit well – not to force something to fit when it clearly doesn’t (i.e. let go if I need to).

We are now almost at the end of February.

I heard Him Speak.

I heard Him speak last week.
As clear as blue skies on a sunny day,
I knew it was the Almighty.

He spoke not in plumes of smoke or pillars of fire,
But in the voice of a woman with whom I engaged.

I felt my curiosity awakened;
My hope reignited;
My spirit renewed.

Suddenly the answer was clear
Right there in front of my eyes.
Stay the course; don’t be discouraged
I have a plan for you.

I heard Him speak….. yeeeh.

And so I write

Sanity
Love
Acceptance

They reside in my words
My written words

I should say in my God
But I find that
No matter how hard I try
He doesn’t always calm the raging thoughts

I know the truth
I’ve heard the truth

Sometimes
The synapses, they fail
There is no connection
Between my thoughts and that truth

So I write
I must write
I must reclaim my sanity
I must find love and acceptance

Here in my written words

Say Something

What I really meant to say

In the words of that Crossfade song, cold… this is what I really meant to say.

I am sorry that you can’t reach me. That after all these years of being so cold, I have retreated into my space – away from your shadow and into the warmth of a different light. I wish you would read this and know how far away I feel from you, but I know that is like asking for the impossible.

So let us continue on this path.

I wish I could be more for you, but somehow I feel so inadequate. Like we’re a mismatched pair of shoes and no matter how much I try to make us shine, the efforts seem to yield naught.  I am tempted to remove these boots, pick a different set of shoes and see if they will feel lighter. I am tempted to walk barefoot – see if I shall find this old soul. I am tempted to call it a day.

Do you see it? Do you see my anguish and my indecision? Do you see how lost I feel? Do you feel my distance I wonder?

Say something – am giving up on you.

 

I don’t need a reason to be me

Thoughts Become Things II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As i sit down to pen my thoughts, i remember why i needed this forum to begin with.  I recall how lonesome i was and how truly alone i felt. I am grateful that i had this outlet to pour out whatever i was going through at the time.

Every so often, i get back there although i don’t need an outlet as much.  I have learned that, just like eating, i need to nourish my mind. I do much more inspirational and motivational reading.  It has proven to be the picker upper that i need; the reaffirmation that i require; and the balance that stills my thoughts.

I am also grateful to be able to write.

Sometimes when i speak, i feel grossly inadequate in my attempt to express myself.  I have just the right word to capture my thoughts, but somehow it escapes me.  This can be quite frustrating.. knowing that you can be eloquent, but failing in the art.

I am also realising that apart from forums such as these, there are not many people that appreciate it when you can say exactly what and how you feel.  Just the other day i was reading about memories and how we need to learn to remember with gratitude and forgiveness.  So I reached out to loved ones to share that message because i thought it was valuable.  These are the people that i share my deepest thoughts with; the ones that i feel i can be vulnerable to.  The end result was not what i expected – I was told that i was being too emotional and was i o.k.?  I didn’t know I needed a reason to be.

So here i am, again in this shell.  I have wanted to belong outside of this sphere, but my recent experience has taught me that the world doesn’t quite get me.  Maybe one day, i will find a kindred spirit.  Someone who feels as deeply about most things and who perhaps is tired of being told they take life too seriously just because they are keen to express themselves.

Until then… here’s to blogging and to loving where am wanted.

My playlist:

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