Where are you my Valentine?

I don’t want to offer my heart

My mind

My soul

I don’t want to give it to someone

Someone who shouldn’t have it

Someone who neither has the capacity nor the wherewithal

To love me back the way I deserve to be loved.

No, I don’t want to offer my heart

To you – because you’re married

Nor to you – because you only want a tryst

Nor to you who thinks I should be so

Understanding as you figure out your shit

Neither to you who is comfortable

To be carried along like baggage;

As if I am not already burdened by my own.

No… I’d rather keep my heart

Safe in waiting; hoping; knowing

That It’ll be a while before the one

To whom I can entrust my heart

Comes along.

Where are you my Valentine?

I heard Him speak

At the beginning of this year, as many people want to do, I was tempted to make and write down my New Year resolutions.

Both my heart and mind resisted the urge. I did not want to simply go through the process as a matter of routine. I wanted it to have meaning – achievable and real. And so I held off as long as I could.

As time went on… I felt a bit lost. I am one of those people who thrives on having clear goals to guide me, so this was unfamiliar territory. It felt irresponsible… like a driver without a clear destination – just wandering about, heading nowhere in particular. After what felt like an eternity (January 14th), I finally succumbed to the desire to make a plan; to have a plan.

I must point out that part of the resistance came from the fact that I was feeling so impact less. Apart from those things that I can personally control e.g. how I spend my finances, everything else seemed to be on a departing train – farther and farther away by the day. I assessed and reassessed my goals in 2014, got frustrated by the inertia, cried out to God and finally told my mind that I needed to accept the reality. I needed a proper paradigm shift to regain hope that all was going to be ok and to not lose my faith.

By the end of the year, I can say that I was in a good place mentally because I had learned to gain contentment in the everyday happenings. I re-oriented my mind to still apply myself 100%, and yet focus on what was working positively. Specifically in the area of career advancement, I decided to shelve those goals and revisit them after a year.

So here comes 2015 and am thinking, “Do I really wanna do this again?” Do I want to go through the frustration once more? Do I want to cry out to God and feel like He doesn’t hear me? Do I want to experience a crisis of faith? I know that there are people with bigger needs and greater challenges…. But if we are to accept that we are like children to the Almighty, then as a good father I should trust that I matter to Him personally.

So my resolutions for 2015 were going to be very simple and broad:

1. To allow my heart to be content
2. To make more time to experience God and to never doubt that He is in control
3. To get fitter – to consume in moderation and exercise at least twice a week
4. To pay off a short term loan and build up my emergency fund
5. In the career goal, I prayed for clarity and direction about whether to change or stay put

Mainly, I wanted to remember to live in order to feel alive. I also want the relationships in my life to fit well – not to force something to fit when it clearly doesn’t (i.e. let go if I need to).

We are now almost at the end of February.

I heard Him Speak.

I heard Him speak last week.
As clear as blue skies on a sunny day,
I knew it was the Almighty.

He spoke not in plumes of smoke or pillars of fire,
But in the voice of a woman with whom I engaged.

I felt my curiosity awakened;
My hope reignited;
My spirit renewed.

Suddenly the answer was clear
Right there in front of my eyes.
Stay the course; don’t be discouraged
I have a plan for you.

I heard Him speak….. yeeeh.

Say Something

What I really meant to say

In the words of that Crossfade song, cold… this is what I really meant to say.

I am sorry that you can’t reach me. That after all these years of being so cold, I have retreated into my space – away from your shadow and into the warmth of a different light. I wish you would read this and know how far away I feel from you, but I know that is like asking for the impossible.

So let us continue on this path.

I wish I could be more for you, but somehow I feel so inadequate. Like we’re a mismatched pair of shoes and no matter how much I try to make us shine, the efforts seem to yield naught.  I am tempted to remove these boots, pick a different set of shoes and see if they will feel lighter. I am tempted to walk barefoot – see if I shall find this old soul. I am tempted to call it a day.

Do you see it? Do you see my anguish and my indecision? Do you see how lost I feel? Do you feel my distance I wonder?

Say something – am giving up on you.

 

I don’t need a reason to be me

Thoughts Become Things II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As i sit down to pen my thoughts, i remember why i needed this forum to begin with.  I recall how lonesome i was and how truly alone i felt. I am grateful that i had this outlet to pour out whatever i was going through at the time.

Every so often, i get back there although i don’t need an outlet as much.  I have learned that, just like eating, i need to nourish my mind. I do much more inspirational and motivational reading.  It has proven to be the picker upper that i need; the reaffirmation that i require; and the balance that stills my thoughts.

I am also grateful to be able to write.

Sometimes when i speak, i feel grossly inadequate in my attempt to express myself.  I have just the right word to capture my thoughts, but somehow it escapes me.  This can be quite frustrating.. knowing that you can be eloquent, but failing in the art.

I am also realising that apart from forums such as these, there are not many people that appreciate it when you can say exactly what and how you feel.  Just the other day i was reading about memories and how we need to learn to remember with gratitude and forgiveness.  So I reached out to loved ones to share that message because i thought it was valuable.  These are the people that i share my deepest thoughts with; the ones that i feel i can be vulnerable to.  The end result was not what i expected – I was told that i was being too emotional and was i o.k.?  I didn’t know I needed a reason to be.

So here i am, again in this shell.  I have wanted to belong outside of this sphere, but my recent experience has taught me that the world doesn’t quite get me.  Maybe one day, i will find a kindred spirit.  Someone who feels as deeply about most things and who perhaps is tired of being told they take life too seriously just because they are keen to express themselves.

Until then… here’s to blogging and to loving where am wanted.

My playlist:

Related articles

• Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them (wnyc.org)
• You Are The Reason (booknvolume.com)

My little black dress

We’ve heard it said that every woman needs a little black dress.

It’s the dress that rescues you when you can’t find something to dress your emotions. On those days when you are feeling fat, that little niqqa knows how make you feel all skinny and shit.  On others when you are feeling low, it can be quite a picker upper especially if it has an inbuilt bustier.  And… on those days when you want to exude Va Va voom, there’s no other dress to lean on other than the LBD.

The LBD makes you look good; hides your flaws and brings out the best in any shape or figure.

I hasten to add that the little black dress can take many forms. Sometimes it can appear in the form of a friend; a loved one, an old flame, or even an experience.

Mine… lets just say, it comes in a masculine package.  He is my little black dress.  He is the one guy who no matter how crappy i feel or act, always makes me feel like a pearl – priceless and flawless.  He is a safe place to retreat especially when life isn’t as smooth sailing as I’d expect it.

You may ask, shouldn’t this be the space of Christ?  Of religion, or spirituality?  Perhaps.  Like i said, the LBD can come in many forms.

In this moment in time, mine comes in the form of this kindred spirit.  He is an old flame who might be the ‘LBD’ because his view is clouded by rose-coloured glasses.  Whatever the reason, I am grateful that he is right where he is … coming to my aid whenever i need support and affirmation.

Thank you my friend; you remain forever My LBD.

don’t look for me

Don’t look for me
I don’t want to be found
Not unless you will kiss my heart
Wipe these tears away
Embrace me tightly
As if your survival depended on my love

Don’t look for me
Don’t give me hope
Don’t make me think I matter to you
Not unless you will look for me always

You are my sun
When you shine, I glow in the warmth of your rays
I prance the streets with excitement
Longing to feel the current in your touch
Stopping only to smell the jasmine tree
Captivated by its scent, looking forward to inhaling yours

When you are gone, I wither in darkness
The chilly air slices the atmosphere
Making it difficult to see my next step
As I drudge along to my next appointment
Hardly feeling, barely alive

I’d rather that the sun didn’t shine at all
I would rather live in a cave
Adapt to the darkness that surrounds me
See the moss for the fungus that it is
And the walls as part of something greater
Connected to the ancient and the future
And not a seaside resort or get-away

Don’t look for me
I don’t want to long for your love anymore
I don’t want to be found.

One of those days

Friday I’m in Love [HFF] (Photo credit: Khánh Hmoong)

Today is one of those days

when I dig you… don’t know why

I think to the stars

show me a reason

Silence

But when I push it…

they tell me, must there always be a reason?

must the stars always line up?

Today is one of those days

 

You blame it on the tequila

call it a good mood

I say heck no

this is just me wearing my feelings on my sleeve

 

wasn’t the double shot

although I wished to give it credit

was a natural high

the kind that camouflages all the things I don’t like about you

and am like, boy am I fucked

 

It’s one of those days remember

when I dig ya… and everything else seems inconsequential

soak it in

 

It is one of those days after all

Of Karma Yoga and other random musings

I am 36.

I had planned to have a tattoo inked somewhere on my body for my birthday, it hasn’t happened.  I wanted it to be something I’d be proud of for the rest of my life; something I could show my grandchildren as testament of being a free spirit – of having courage to live your life.  I haven’t found the symbol to portray this sentiment.

I am woman.

I am told that a woman ought to keep a few really close girlfriends who can magically appear with an umbrella when shit hits the fan.  They who can form a tight inner circle – a place of refuge against the vagaries of being a mother, a wife, a sister and a professional.  So I did. But there was no umbrella and shit splattered all over my make-up and soiled my favorite suit.   They only came later to help clean up some of the mess.  So why have them anyway?

……………………………..

I wake up every day looking for inspiration to write, but my favorite blogs have lost meaning.  I am more inspired and intrigued by one liner messages that tell me about some woman who undoubtedly has taken captive of a young man’s heart.  To whom I assume he leaves the messages on his wall; of her body curves and the fact that he likes that she thinks that a sausage simmering in the heat is cool.  I like the mystery of it all and the fact that it has some meaning to someone.  I want to be him – to express myself so mysteriously, so deeply.  Perhaps I should write mysteries… naaaaah they aren’t for me.

………………………

Finally, I read a book.  I say finally because for someone who could read a novel overnight, it has been way too long since I did.  Hence, it is somewhat of an achievement.  I read it slowly, purposely… savoring every paragraph and page.  I felt like a child eating my Marie biscuits; nibbling around the edges until I finally got to the center after what seemed like an eternity…enjoying every little step of that process.  I thank Elizabeth Gilbert for having the courage to write “Eat Pray Love”; for sharing her life with us and for allowing us to be stronger, adventurous and daring through her.  If there’s a book I’d have to loved to have written today, at 36 and as a woman, this would have been it.  I loved it.

Marie Biscuit (Photo credit: Dick Thomas Johnson)

 

 

 

 

……………………

I had a migraine on a Friday.  I felt the pressure pounding on my temple, threatening to make my tears spill and making me nauseous.  So I took off from work early and took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.  I woke up feeling much better and decided to shelve all my thoughts and pressures about work until I literally had to address them.

Come Monday morning, I went to work with high spirits only to be met by a migraine wearing giant shoes and an ill-fitting red suit.  He began to advance menacingly in my direction and my head began to feel the pressure again.  So I decided that it must be work and prayed to the Almighty for direction.

Relief came in the form of ‘Karma Yoga’ which taught me that I must not get attached to my work.  That I must perform the duties with selfless dedication and kindness, knowing that my actions are the Universe and part of it.  Who cares if my efforts do not yield the results I seek?  Certainly, it mustn’t be me… especially when I know that my motives are pure and noble.

…………..

I honor the divine within me.

I honor the kindness in me.

I honor the selflessness in me.

May these be manifested in my life, love and work.

……………………………….

Am off to kiss a flower and a boy while am at it.  🙂

Related articles

• Eat Pray Love (or how I stopped judging Liz Gilbert and myself). (lifeoutsideoflaw.wordpress.com)
• Eat, Pray, Love (beckydavison.wordpress.com)

Life bila regrets

choice and context (Photo credit: Will Lion)

Have you ever looked back and thought to yourself, “What was I thinking?”

How could I not see that was the wrong choice?  How could I have dated him? Ooooh, that was a low point in my life.  How could I not see what he was doing to me?  How could I allow myself to stay in that toxic situation?  Why did I dabble in those drugs?  Why didn’t I listen to my mother? Why didn’t I leave earlier?

Whether it is a wrong choice you made in a relationship, your personal life, a job, or whatever situation, I want you know that regretting our past mistakes is not unique to you.  We all do it at some point once we recognize the error of our ways.

The interesting thing about life is that we get to live it once, and contrary to the popular saying that practice makes perfect, there is no practicing for the performance that is life.  For this reason, we are bound to make the wrong choices at some point in our lives.  We are bound to take the wrong road… so to speak.  However, in the same way that you cannot expect to drive your car staring at the rear-view mirror, you also cannot live your life fixated on past mistakes and expect to get to the future in one piece – whole.

This is the difference between people who live seemingly successful lives and the ones who don’t.

Let us establish first that we are all human, and that at some point we will err.  Let us establish secondly that because we are created with a brain that has enormous capacity to store up memories of anything and everything, that we will remember our wrong choices and chastise ourselves.  However, how do you go from making that recognition to not allowing those mistakes to hold you back?

I have a simple theory that works perfectly for me when it comes to regrets; don’t do it.

At any one given time, we are often placed in a situation that requires us to make a decision.  Often, we do not have complete information about the situation.  Often we do not have much time to perform a comprehensive analysis. More than likely, our thoughts are tainted by emotions.  But most importantly, we often do not have the resources (money, knowledge, time) required to make the best possible decision.

Assuming that you were to go back in time and were placed in the same situation, with the same knowledge, emotions and limited resources, is there likelihood that you would take the same road?  Am sure the answer is a resounding YES!

If so… why beat yourself up with regrets for living life as you should?  Why beat yourself for being young and in-experienced; for daring to live?

Yes, we will all have regrets at some point, but choose not to dwell on them.  Acknowledge those mistakes and lessons learned, for they have made you wiser.  However, remember that you neither had the benefit of foresight nor were you perfect.  Therefore, forgive yourself and move on.  It is a way of loving yourself and others.  Live a life bila (without) regrets.

Related articles

• Regrets From Living With No Regrets (or are they just teenagers?) (candorapropos.wordpress.com)
• “Stop Regret and Get back to Living” by Ashley Berges (myjourneywithaids.wordpress.com)
• Living with regrets (collegecutter.wordpress.com)

Transforming into a butterfly? Let your colours shine

I hope that your week has taken off well so far and that you are healthy and blessed.  If you don’t feel grateful… trying pinching yourself, and if you can feel pain then you have something to be grateful for – that you can feel.  Ha ha 🙂

Anyway, today I want to share with you what am going through.  Having decided that I want to upgrade my car… I played hookie yesterday and went car shopping with my brother, who was only too excited to help.  The shopping was an eye-opener because it helped me to assess the market and consequently my finances.

It was a great day, full of excitement and promise.  Anyway, as often happens… when I got home, I was hit with bucketfuls of discouragement, disguised as reality check.  I then began to question myself, my desires, my motives i.e. Am I being too selfish to want this for myself?  If I don’t get it now when will I get it? What will people say?  Is this the best time?

Now, if you know me very well.. you know that I am not an impulsive person.  In fact, I am too risk averse and will often not make the smallest purchase if it is not budgeted for.  It is a good practice, but sometimes I find that I am too frugal to enjoy life.  In this case, by the time I decided to hit the road, it has been months and months of contemplation… and being unhappy with my current car… and doing financial analysis to determine affordability i.e. the works.

So why do I allow discouragement to set in so quickly?  I do not have the answer for this.  But what am learning today is this:

• Sometimes change needs much more than preparation.  If you have done all you can you can to ready yourself, then your next step requires you to operate beyond the realm of reality.  You have got to TRUST in something greater than your own self.  Trust that everything in your life is aligning itself just as it was meant to be.   You may not be able to see it right now, but the decision you are making is incrementally adding up to your life’s fulfillment.  You are meant for something great… and fear, discouragement and mistrust just serve to diminish the extent of your greatness.

• Secondly, you have the potential to create a butterfly effect.  When we witness a moth being transformed into a butterfly, we are awed.  We understand that life is greater than ourselves… we are just a speck of all that is happening around us.  Nonetheless, we have the opportunity to witness beauty and greatness brought on by that change.  Even you… if your change is driven by good intentions and purpose, you can have the butterfly effect on everyone around you.  You ask yourself, ‘Who am I not to be great?’ In turn, your friends and family look at you and also ask… “Who am I not to be great?”

• Thirdly, and finally… Jeremiah 29:11 God says His plans are for us to prosper and to not harm us.  Why then do we not confidently take action with that promise in mind?

O.k. enough preaching my friends.  You are beautiful and worthy… and deserve all good things.  Let no one cheat you that the universe or God desires you harm – that is NOT His Nature.

Related articles

• The Butterfly Effect (positivereflection.wordpress.com)
• How to Make a Difference in a Big Way – The Butterfly Effect (christinacli.wordpress.com)